*Level up music starts, around 5-7 seconds, static cuts in. Transitions to classical music*
Narrator voice: And now for another Bum Review, with Fester R. Bum. Today’s review: Shadow the Hedgehog.
Bum: OH MY GOD: This is the greatest video game I’ve ever played in my LIFE!
Shadow impression (rusty, like new Batman): I am the Ultimate (Normal Bum voice) SPOILERS!
There is this character called Shadow the Hedgehog. AND HE’S AN OKAY ONE TIME USE CHARACTER THAT DIED AT THEN OF SONIC ADVENTURE 2! I TOLD YOU THERE’D BE SPOILERS! But then, Shadow returned from the dead to be Sonic Heroes!
*panicking sounds* AH RUN, IT’S ZOMBIE SHADOW! He’s gonna eat you while whining about Maria! JUST KIDDING! Actually, the explanation for his return went more like this!
Kid voice: Why is shadow coming back when his story had such a satisfying end in Sonic Adventure 2?
Stuffy executive voice: Well, he’s a dark character with an interesting past and we wanted to explore that, so we
Kid voice: -interupting- And he’s a fan favorite and would sell well?
Stuffy executive: and he’s a fan favorite and would sell well.
Kid voice: that’s what I thought.
Stuffy executive: Also, we needed a 3rd person on the dark team.
Kid voice: what about Eggman? I’d love to play as him again.
Stuffy executive: well he’s the bad guy at the end!
Kid voice: No he’s not!
So anyways, Sonic Heroes comes out and the fan response was very “MEH!” So one of the problems seemed to be that there were too many character to play as, so Sonic Team decided their next game would have only one. Let’s see: who would Sonic Team, makers of Sonic the Hedgehog, choose to star in their next Sonic video game? Oh! Shadow the Hedgehog! Right, of course!
Kid voice: So why is Shadow getting his own game?
Stuffy executive: Because he’s a *kid with him* fan favorite and will sell well.
Kid voice: Not even trying to hide it this time are you?
Stuffy executive: Not even a little.
Bum: And it worked! There was MAD HYPE about this game!
Chipmunk style voice: (over excited)Oh my god! Shadow the hedgehog is coming out! He’s gonna have his own game! He’s gonna be a bad ass and use guns and ride bikes! It’s going to be awesome! I’m gonna get an X-box, a GameCube and a PS2 and 3 TVs so I can play all the versions at once! I’m gonna wet myself! (improvise more)
Bum: -interupting- Fred from YouTube, what are you doing here?
*Beat, gun cock, fire*
Bum: So as I was saying, people were-
Chipmunk voice: Oh my god, I’m bleeding! It’s everywhere! (improvise) (another gunshot)
Bum: So anyways, everyone was Super hyped about the situation, and as we all know, getting REALLY excited for something NEEEVVVEEERRR leads to disappointments. This is why Titanic is the best movie ever, Duke Nukem is the best video game ever and Venom was the best movie Spider-man villain ever!
So the game starts off with ALIENS FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! Explanation: who cares? This series aint going to bad ass itself! So Shadow starts off and he’s like:
Shadow voice: I got to find the Chaos Emeralds
But then he runs into Sonic, and Sonic is all like:
Sonic: HEY! You should kill all the aliens!
But then Shadow meets up with the evil alien, and he’s all like:
Dark Eye (deep): Kill all the soldiers
I’m starting to suspect our hero is bi-polar. I WAS BI-POLAR ONCE! Wait no, I was “Binoculars” once…
Oh, and beyond just being able to be bossed around by two people, this game was also advertised as letting you use guns. Cause I remember thinking to myself as I was bouncing off robots as Sonic and having fun “Man, this would be awesome if I wasn’t bouncing off robots as Sonic yet still kinda was some how.”
So then you’re running around in confusingly similar looking corridors killing aliens with weapons found on the ground while army guys are dying all around you.
Wait, sorry, that’s Halo.
So then you’re running around in confusingly similar looking corridors killing aliens with weapons found on the ground while army guys are dying all around you. (Thank god I caught that mistake, yet totally didn’t edit it out for no reason at all).
Oh wait! Something totally different from Halo: you get to ride in vehicles that have confusing and awkward controls to them!
Wait a minute… Shadow is bad tempered, easily manipulated, violent, unable to drive correctly and I have no idea what he’s thinking or talking about. He’s not bi-polar; he’s a drunk!
Shadow voice –drunkish-: I am Shadow the ultimate- *barfs*
Seriously people do not drink and drive.
So after you beat a level, depending on who you decided to listen to, you’ll go to one of 3 levels. And because that level is normally accessible in one of 3 ways, it doesn’t always make sense plot wize. But he’s a wandering drunk, so it doesn’t have to!
Gun agent voice *Serious*: Alright Shadow, you killed all the aliens in the city, but we now have reason to believe their next target will be our government headquarters
Shadow drunk: YEAH! I’m going to Hooters!
So then you finally get to the end and you learn that Shadow is a CLONE OF THE ORIGINAL! *dramatic music* oooorrr… He’s a ROBOT! *dramatic music* oooorrrr… he was made in a lab for evil purposes. Or good purposes! I am so confused. It’s almost like FACTS CHANGE and this game has several multiple endings… GENIUS! Make everyone’s theory right! Imagine if they decided to instead have a real ending, but you’d have to visit all the fake endings first: it would almost be like you’re making the players waste their time, especially since you’d have to start the game ALL over again. But –pft- that’d just be a mean way to get more game play time out of a bad game.
So in summerizamation: Shadow the Hedgehog is really fun cause he’s drunk and I’M DRUNK!
This is Fester R. Bum saying: CHANGE! YA GOT ANY CHANGE? AH COME ON HELP A GUY OUT!-classical music- I just want to get myself a chaos emerald. Pft, those are thrown around so much they can’t be worth THAT much!