You guys may remember how all the way back in my second review, Luigi’s Mansion, I mentioned another game. Let’s play that clip. *Reel effects + clip quote*. After saying that, a lot of people asked me what I considered Mario is Missing to be, and why it’s not a video game. I explained to several people that I consider it an “Educational Tool”, because games are SUPPOSED to be fun, while this feels more like homework. However, I guess it’s still TECHNICALLY a video game, since it’s on GameFAQs and people like the AVGN have reviewed it. So, let me tell you why it’s a failed video game at the very least. I have the Super Nintendo version of Mario is Missing, so I’ll be talking about that one.
The game starts off right away by messing up the Mario cannon; Bowser isn’t in the Mushroom Kingdom, it all happens in the same world as ours (so we can learn our geography). Bowser EASILY Kidnaps Mario, which begs the question why he never did that before. He also has no interest in Peach because- sigh- Prepare yourself for this stupidity. Bowser wants to flood the world by using a bunch of hair dryers to melt all the ice in Antarctica, which is where his castle is. Professor Chaos from South Park didn’t even have plans this stupid. Also, what is Bowser going to do with a world completely covered in water and where will he go during the floor? And Bowser is a reptile; being in the freezing cold just doesn’t work. As if that weren’t stupid enough, it gets even worse; to fund his plan, Bowser sends the Koopas to steal famous landmarks. Ignoring that someone is going to notice this, why doesn’t he just steal the HAIR DRYERS? And, where are the police in all of this? This is happening in our world, would we really let a bunch of turtles just take our monuments? I cannot believe I am saying that this series originally about a plumber saving a princess from a fire breathing reptile in a land composed 90% of fungus has been made stupider for education.
As I’ve mentioned in Luigi’s Mansion, this is the first game where you play as Mario’s bother, Luigi, as the main character. Upon entering Bowsers ANTARCTIC CASTLE to save Mario, Luigi finds a row of doors, so just take your pick. You’ll be transported to some place on earth where the Koopas are walking back and forth, instead of returning with the stolen landmarks. What you have to do is stomp on all the Koopas until you find the three items they stole. By the way, the physics in this game are off; when you stomp a Koopa that doesn’t have an item, you just pass right through him as he vanishes. Also, once you do find an item, you have to pick it up by standing over it and jumping (which is a poor choice for controls). That’s just as messed up as Luigi having to stand specifically on the sidewalk to go up or down a street, or else an invisible car will beep at him. And finally, I have to address this; some of the items the Koopas stole just don’t make sense. I get the oldest human skull ever found, or the slippers of a famous ballerina, but how am I supposed to believe that a Koopa was carrying the gate to a Chinese temple in bag while casually walking around the streets?!!?! –sigh-
With this much stupidity, now we get to the actual education. Once you have retrieved an item, you have to figure out where it goes, and give it back at the corresponding information desk. But the lady there wants to confirm that it’s the real item. You know, because there are so many people recreating the Sistine Chapel ceiling full sized! To confirm the authenticity of the item Luigi, is asked a few questions which you can easily answer by reading the information the receptionist gives you. So remember a few facts for a bit, answer the questions and give back the artifact. Horray, the game has thought me how to cram.
The last thing you need to do is figure out where you are and use the “Globulator” to send Yoshi to you, so you can scare a Pokey back into the pipe you came in from so you can go back (not questioning this, just want to finish this review). You do that for each door on the floor, and then one of Bowser’s kids comes out and runs back and forth; just stomp on him until he vanishes. By the way, I forgot to mention, you can’t die in this game; Koopas just walk past you and you don’t get hurt, so not being able to lose is another thing that doesn’t make this a game. Anyways, after a kid is defeated, it’s off to the next floor where you do the whole thing again twice more, and then you’ve won. Wooptie-doo.
This is what happens when you let an educational company like Mindscape use a loved video game icon; a barely game that doesn’t make sense and is boring and awkward to play. The big hook was that it’s Luigi’s first starring role, but it barely counts since this is so far from the Mario cannon. The only thing that can be called expectable would be the music and graphics, but that’s because most of it was lifted from Super Mario World (so we’re at least spared from Weegee in this version), but the backgrounds are really nice. Otherwise, this was just painful for me. I give Mario is Missing for the SNES 2.5 levels out 10.
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