*Regular Level Up theme starts, five seconds in, static hits
and it stops. Video game confessions theme song starts up.*
“This is Stephan. Stephan works at a 5 star restaurant
called the Pixel Palace. There, some of video game’s most popular characters
come in to have a drink. Sometimes, they share stories, and even secrets. For
as we all know, what the bartender hears is confidential. Isn’t it?”
So I’m sitting there tending bar when in walks in someone I
see from time to time, Dig Dug. Well, I didn’t really SEE him walk in, fella’s
kind of short, but I did hear him come up to the bar. Feet walking, make a
distinct sound for some reason. I told him once he should get it looked at, but
he just doesn’t really see the problem.
Anyways he sits on a bar stool, orders a mudslide and just
sits there. Normally the chap is quite chatty but today he was just looking in
his drink. So, I decided to ask him “something on your mind, buddy?” Well he
just let out a big sigh and tells me “today I killed again”.
Now, this was a side I hadn’t seen of the guy. I know he
kills dragons and… tomatoes with scuba gear or something, but I didn’t know it
could get to him. So I lean on the bar and I say “Well lots of video game
characters kill, it’s in their programming or something- not to sound racist,
but I don’t know how it really works with you guys”
Dig Dug stops me and goes “Oh no, not in my game, I LOVE
doing that.” I go “Oh.” He keeps on going “Pumping the dragons full of air
until they blow up to bits, guts flying everywhere, nothing left where a
monster once stood.” I had never thought of how violent the game could actually
get. Can’t think of a worst way to die now.
“No” he says to me “I killed someone who was just at the
park”. I stood back straight up and asked him “Well why did you do that?” Dig
Dug was deadly silent, his face shifted from sad to serious, looked me straight
in the eyes and said “he called me Funnie”.
“Excuse me?” I said, I cocked my head a bit “You killed a
guy for calling you funny? Sounds like a complement to me.” He says “No, not
funny like a clown, I didn’t amuse him. ‘Funnie’ as a last name. He called ‘Dig
Dug Funnie’” I was still confused, “Dig Dug Funnie OOOOHHH!! ” I said “Like
Doug Funnie from the show on Nickelodeon” I started doing the theme song, you
know *imitates it* but at that point he hopped on the bar and threatened me
with his tire pump.
He calms down a bit and then sits down and starts explaining
to me. Apparently once the Nickelodeon show came out, anyone with the name
“Doug” was mocked because of that show. I said “But your name’s not Doug, it’s
Dug, as the past tense to Dig. If anything people should referencing that dog
from Up!” “They did” he says “They would randomly look away and go ‘squirrel’,
and they asked me to inflate their balloons too.” Cause, you know, he has the
tire pump. But apparently they forgot about that Dug and “Doug Funnie” stuck.
It was on the air for over 8 years apparently. Can you believe that? I mean, I
know it was owned by Nickelodeon, and then Disney, but I thought it was pretty
boring. And the characters designs… just bizarre.
Dig Dug goes on “And I WISH people still made jokes about
that dog; that dog was interesting, he was a hero. What was Doug Funnie?” I
stopped a bit and thought of the best way to describe him. “A loser?”. He
shouts “EXACTLY! How would like for people to hear your name and all they can
think of is a loser.” At that point I sort of understood.
“But to be so enraged as to kill someone?” I ask him
“That’s… that’s a bit of an overreaction. I mean, you said so yourself, people
make that joke to you all the time. You need to find a better way of dealing
with it. Plus, if people hear why you killed those people, it’ll just spread
the word about the joke more and you’ll hear it from everyone”
“That’s ok” he said “After that latest ‘incident’ in the
park, I figured out a way to deal with all these emotions. See,” he says
leaning in “I invited someone here tonight.” I looked around the bar wondering
who could help here. And that’s when I saw him walk in; Doug Funnie himself.
Of course it was a little hard to recognize him at all. I
mean Doug just looked TERRIBLE, unshaven, dirty clothes- a real wash-up. I lean
to Dig Dug and I ask him “he’s the guy you invited over?” He says “Yeah, but he
don’t know it’s me, it was anonymous on his answering machine.” Which makes me
think Doug is doing quite badly, because it was “answering machine” instead of
“voice mail”. But I don’t know, do people still use answering machines now?
Anyways, Doug is standing around, looking for someone to
signal him. Stumbling quite a bit, didn’t seem to know where he was- I think he
was “on” something if you know what I mean. Dig Dug and I watched him for a bit
before I got curious and asked him “Why did you invite him here anyways”.
“Because I knew” he says “I knew he’d be even more of a loser now than he was
before. Now, who cares about Doug Funnie? And since his TV series was split
between two companies, do you think he’ll see money from that easily? He has
almost no legacy.”
He goes on “Me, I gots a legacy. My original game is going
to keep getting remade and rereleased over and over again; game collections,
Xbox Live Arcade, Virtual Console, whatever. Plus all the other games in my
series AND I have a side series, Mr. Driller. My game is a classic, I was even
in Wreck-It Ralph; that is some good Disney coin there. Doug, who was owned by
Disney, is getting nothing from ‘em”.
I nodded my head and put my arm on his shoul der. He said “I
know, no matter what people call me, I am not that loser.” It was a beautiful
moment of self-realization. I would like to think he grew past it all at that
moment. … Of course, after a few second of silence, he jumped off his stool, a
shoved his tire-pump into Doug Funnie’s behind and popped him like a cheap
balloon. He starts yelling “Not so
Funnie anymore” and “This is for years of hearing your name!” He kept going on
like a crazy person until the bouncers had to drag him out. So much for the
moment of self-realization…
At that point my shift was over and I traded off with
Dominique. He saw a bit of what had happened and asked what he missed. I
explained it to him and… he seemed to understand. I mean, I don’t quite get why
someone would be that mad, but Dominique did. Maybe he knows someone who went
through something similar, I don’t know.
What I do know is that you see a lot of strange
things as a bartender and you see a lot of strange things at the Pixel Palace.
So, I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Pixel Palace, and that
aint no lie.
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